My Second Birth Story: S's Birth

My babies tend to cook longer, I told a mom at the park when I was pregnant with S and trying to describe why I was not anticipating much about my due date being a good indicator of when I would have my baby despite the fact that my due date was approaching the following week. I remembered having an expectation that my baby would arrive very close to my due date with Jackson and feeling very frustrated that it blew by me and I spent two weeks trying to ‘go into labor’ with  J’s end of pregnancy (I tried walks, massage, blue and black chohosh herbal supplements-- under guidance by my midwife-- prayed and journaled with positive intentions under the general idea that my mind could convince my body to go into labor soon and did prenatal yoga every single day) all to very little effect. J did not want to come and if you've read the previous blog post you know my perspective on why I never went into labor with J.

With J, I had scheduled an acupuncture induction apt for the Monday, two weeks after my due date (and I ended up never going to the apt. because I had to be induced with Pitocin in the hospital the Friday before the apt). This time, I was not going to wait to be ‘post-due’ to start my natural induction methods.

 I had a good plan to wait until my body started giving me clues that it was ready for labor. Since I understood from my processing of J’s birth, that for me, my mental approach to birth was highly significant, I had already been mentally preparing my body for birth for eight months. I had already been doing Art Therapy in the style of Pam England regularly during pregnancy. I had a beautiful vision of my birth in my mind. I had meditated on that vision with every HypnoBirthing CD session for weeks leading up to birth and I had let go of my fear of being vulnerable and in pain during labor. 

I approached S’s birth with some reservations though. I had partial placenta previa and had, once again, risked out of the Tucson Birth Center in the second trimester (when I was diagnosed with full placenta previa by ultrasound). At the diagnostic ultrasound apt it had been suggested by the nurse (or tech) doing the ultra sound that a c-section would be inevitable. [CC only recently told me--she is currently a midwife at the TCB--- that if I had come back and explained what the tech had told me to her--she would have said that I did not need an OB and that I could easily be one of the women for whom placenta previa completely resolves by the time of birth. She would have asked me to consider allowing her to continue to care for me up to the final stages of the pregnancy and then she would have given me a professional opinion of whether I had risked out of the birth center based on the final weeks of my pregnancy along with regular ultra sound apt's. However, I did not know that at the time and  I thought that the nurse (or tech) that the midwives had sent me to was giving me the perspective from the Birth Center--my mistake completely--which ended up changing my birth plans drastically. Still, I have no regrets with S's birth. As you will see if you continue to read.]

 I have always been a fiery personality (my husband calls me a firecracker in the middle of debating sometimes because it always makes me laugh and reminds me that although this aspect of my personality drives him nuts sometimes it's also a large reason why he married me. It quite effectively dissipates tensions). When it comes to things that I am passionate about—giving birth definitely qualifies under the title heading of “Things Amanda Gets Fired Up About.” That list is actually a bit long so I won’t go into all the things that I am passionate about right now but the underlying theme that gets me pulling out my activist hat includes: treating people and animals with respect and fairness.

So, I went through the second trimester of pregnancy envisioning a vaginal birth but mentally preparing myself for the possibility of a c-section. Now, just so that you don’t misunderstand my perspective—it was not that a c-section would be considered an invalid way to give birth in my mind at all---that was not how I felt about c-birth (and still isn't). I believe that necessary c-births save baby's lives. The reason that I did not want to have a c-section birth with S is because J was just turning two and he was a very energetic and active child. I knew that if I had a c-section, out of necessity, that this would be quite fine with me but that the recovery period would be longer and more stressful for me and my entire family.

My husband was working full time and going to school full time when we decided to get pregnant with S and conception happened rather quicker than we thought it was going to which made the estimated due date in April, right before final exams---not exactly the ideal time for my husband to become a new father. However, because we were so prepared for birth with our second child, the lead-up, birth and transition into a family of four flowed easily. It was so fantastic that I realized in an experiential way just what a significant role a doula can play for families  and how long they remain part of the new parenthood process. Doulas will be available for drop in assistance for an entire year or two: during the pregnancy, the birth event itself of course and the postpartum period are all under the realm of care that a doula can giving nurturing care and advice to a new family. That two year time period of conception through weaning is an enormously significant time period in a new mother’s life. If you tap into the skills and knowledge of local doulas with full gusto, which I did, the process of becoming a mother (whether it's your first time of fifth time) unfolds quite easily.

I hired two very experienced doulas: TJ March (of Mama’s Latte) and Laura Broderick (she used to work for Desert Doulas and now lives in Hawaii) as my co-doula team. TJ and Laura had different skill sets and so they made a perfect team as they worked together in a co-doula fashion. I was lucky to get a ‘two for one’ deal price wise that I didn’t expect but fully appreciated. I wanted TJ mainly to help me at the birth and to be on call to help me with nursing. Leading up to S’s birth the area that caused me most nervousness was, of course, the cesarean section possibility but also I was spending a lot of energy questioning whether I would be able to nurse S  for 12 months after having so many issues with J that caused me a lot of postpartum stress a few years earlier. TJ, was so similar to my own mother in temperment that I immediately knew she was who I wanted at the birth. Then I met Laura and she was an instant kindred spirit. I started to wonder if I had made a good choice in hiring TJ over Laura. TJ didn’t know much about massage and Laura did. TJ didn’t know much about victims of sexual assault and Laura did. TJ was just learning about HypnoBirthing while Laura was already a pro. It was my understanding that the only thing TJ had more experience with than Laura was having worked with a high amount of lactating mothers (past the initial first feed after birth which all birth doulas do and are trained for well). TJ had much more experience with lactating mothers because she drove to mothers' houses all over Tucson helping them problem solve breastfeeding issues under her business called Mama's Latte. TJ had two daughters that were absolutely phenomenal because their mother dedicated her whole life to mothering them and she did it well. I admired her as a mother. I admired Laura for her strength of character and ethical approach to birth as well. TJ was often late or forgot appointments, but I had a mother who did this all the time so it did not phase me, although it was slightly annoying. Laura was always on time and showed up early—just like I usually do with my meetings. So, when TJ flaked -out on an apt that both my husband and I had rearranged our very busy lives for, Laura showed up instead on short-notice and taught us a few important things about partner-communication during labor. She taught my husband how to give me light-touch massage, which was so wonderful both during pregnancy and during labor. That one skill made my husband fantastic at S’s labor.

TJ felt bad about missing the appointment, she had lost track of time with another client and forgot to check her watch, and so she eventually called to tell me that she was sorry to have missed the apt and that she wanted to give us a special nursing session for free to make up for it. I was thrilled. I was able to learn much more in depthly about what happens to milk during pregnancy, during birth, after birth, in the first six weeks, in the first six months, in the final 6-24 month period and about self-led weaning. 

Not only was I a pregnant mother but I was half way into my Doulas of North America training so I was not the average mom looking to these doulas for help with my birth. Of course, my highest priority was to have a positive birth experience with S but I am also a person who absorbs information with delight. So, I was a very good student and I learned a lot from both Laura and TJ. TJ even mentioned that I asked more questions as an individual than an entire room full of lactating moms usually did. TJ and I laughed often and easily—she was amused by me and I enjoyed her perspective immensely. Laura and my interactions were more serious and intense. We talked about intense things and we resolved emotional barriers together. She was instrumental in giving me the skill set to do HypnoBirthing with S even though I never took an HB class. All I did was borrow the book from my friend Kathleen, listen to the cd’s each night and practice the hand-outs that Laura had allowed me to borrow after I had hired her to be my doula and I had expressed an interest in wanting to learn more about HB philosophy. TJ was the doula who arrived at my birth with S, but I have no doubt that Laura would have been amazing at my birth too. I was so lucky to have them both encouraging me with informational resources, experiential discussions and especially in how they both related to me their understandings of how to have a natural birth in a hospital (if that was possible given my placenta issue). Suffice it to say that I was so glad I had invested 600 dollars in my doula care for S's birth and that was even before I gave birth!

When my due date was two days away, I had been having regular contractions leading up to the birth which fizzled out, just as they had with J’s pregnancy. Instead of walking up and down hills in my neighborhood, as I had done for two months straight with J, I closed myself in my bedroom and sat on my birth ball meditating in peace and quiet. I connected to the baby and I listened to my body. I encouraged my body to open, to feel safe, to know that our (my husband and I) expectation of our baby’s birth was for it to be gentle and full of intimate love.

After two days of regular contractions that faded every time I relaxed, TJ emailed me that I should have sex with my husband to get things moving since semen has been shown to mix well with late pregnancy hormones and can kick things into real labor. Obviously my husband and I thought this was amusing but we were certainly up for trying something fun that could work. I went to my acupuncture induction on Friday morning (several days before my estimated due date) and I felt my body hum with energy. The needles did not hurt but they did feel stimulating. My acupuncture induction helped flood my body with pain relieving hormones. My body responded by kicking up the contractions. That night I stayed up all night thinking that I was in labor and would soon need to call my OB to meet me at the hospital. The previous week, she had told me that I was already 2cm dilated and my ultrasound had shown that my placenta had moved up and away by five inches from my cervix which meant that a vaginal birth was now (finally) a safe option for me. I was elated by the news. My parents were in town and ready to be called at any moment to come and watch Jackson when my husband and I needed to go to the hospital.

 That night, my body worked hard to go into labor but again, when I fell asleep they fizzled into nothing. I started to get frustrated again but I remembered what my doula Laura had told me about using positive thought and letting go of negative thoughts. I read my HypnoBirthing book over again and I read Pam England’s book over again. I am a fast reader. I was able to do that in two days even though I had other responsibilities during that time. I went out on my porch on the morning of my due date fully pregnant, waddling about with no contractions surging through me and sat with Jackson; our water colors and paper on the art table. The sun streamed through the wooden lattice and my green plants tumbled down from our porch roof while I painted my vision of birth and J painted his vision of the world as a two year old views it. 

J looked at my pictures and said, “Mama, baby comes soon?” and I said “I sure hope so darling.” J said, "is the baby going to like the milk?” and I said “Yes. All babies like to drink milk.” And J said “yes, I remember, it’s good.” And then I said “I love you baby, you won’t be the baby anymore soon. Is that ok?” and he said “I’m a big brother. I will like to have a friend to play with.” And I said “Yeah, the best part about having a brother is that you will always have a friend to play with and J said “Yep.” 

The conversation was simple but ever- so- sweet.

Then we went back to painting in the sunshine. When we were finished, we hung our paintings in J’s bedroom. I went to drink some tea and respond to some emails from my students and then rested on the couch while J played with his trucks in front of me. My husband called asking for an update and I told him there was nothing to report. Later in the afternoon I took Jackson to Green Things to see the new baby goats. When we walked into the green house a large contraction gripped me and I couldn’t breathe for a moment. I loaded J into the car and we went home. Things continued in a much milder form and I started to think that again, I had been fooled and it was only the lead up—not the real deal. 

By evening the contractions were consistent but so mild that I barely felt them. I easily went about all our daily evening routine with J and told my husband to stay at the library if he needed to do schoolwork since all was calm at home. I put J to bed that night and went to lay down but I could not find a comfortable position to rest in my bed. I got back up and rocked on the birth ball. The contractions fizzled into nothing again. I slept through the night and didn’t even wake when my husband arrived home. In the morning my mom arrived and we went for a walk. As usual the contractions started again—stimulated by the walk. That morning they continued and started to get closer together. I emailed TJ that I thought today was the birth day and I would send an update in the afternoon if things continued to progress. TJ did not get my email in the morning and emailed me back asking if she should meet me somewhere…….had I gone to the hospital already she wondered? I reassured her that she had not missed anything and that I was still at home. Things were going fine and there was nothing for her to do. Adam was watching J and I was rocking on the birth ball meditating in my bedroom. I turned on Enya and checked my birth bag supplies. I took a last look at the peace flags waving in the wind on my porch and intended to get a chair to go take them down and put them in my birth bag when I became distracted by a few strong and constant contractions in quick succession. I started to get excited. This was it. I knew it instinctively and so I decided to take a nap. The nap was restful and when I awoke the contractions were still happening. 

I decided I should probably go to the Women’s Center at  Northwest Hospital. I called my OB and said we were coming in. I called TJ and told her to meet us there. I called my mom and she came to watch Jackson. I emailed my students in all of my classes that I would be out of reach for approximately 48 hours if they needed me, I would get back to them after the birth.

Adam looked at me and said “You’re so calm. Are you sure it’s time?” and I said “I think so. I can’t imagine that they wouldn’t admit me when I’m likely at six cm by now.” So, we got into the car and drove to the hospital. Upon arrival we did the paperwork and the intake staff said “Are you sure you’re in labor?” and I said “Yes, I’ve done this before. I am.” And then because she still seemed doubtful, I said “I’ve studied HypnoBirthing . I will be acting very calm.” She nodded and we were admitted. TJ arrived while we were on the monitors to be sure I was contracting in labor. I was and they moved me into the delivery room within about twenty minutes. I did more paperwork—so much paperwork—and asked for a nurse that “enjoyed helping at natural births” and my nurse brought a new nurse into the room who said “I read your birth plan.” And I said “Yes, it’s very specific.” And she said “There is no doubt about it—you know what you want!” TJ introduced herself and the nurse and she chatted for a few minutes while I got comfortable on the bed. The nurse wanted to get a good strip of the heart rate for her charting. I complied but cautioned that I had been in labor for quite awhile at home so I would likely want to stay moving and did not want to remain in the bed for very long now that I was getting closer to the end. The nurse looked at me with a puzzled expression and said “ I doubt you are very far along since we are have having such a good conversation.”  I said “I’m sure you will doubt me a lot but you’ll have to see Hypnobirthing to be convinced of it. I don’t mind being the first woman you’ve seen use this method. I know it won’t be the last.” She smiled and said “ I see on your birth plan that you want the squat bar so you can be verticle at the pushing phase?” I said, “Yes and started to describe why but then very suddenly, a really hard contraction (surge in HB lingo) hit and I looked at my husband and TJ and said “OK, here we go…..” I went into meditation and blocked the room completely out. I rocked and moved in natural ways letting my body lead my mind into the correct positions. TJ talked me through each surge as it tightened and released while Adam used light touch massage to keep me calm and connected to him. I remember very little of S’s birth except that I did not pay attention to anything except my body, my baby and my stress levels. Each time a panicky feeling emerged, I working it out and passed it through my body into the floor. I acknowledge it and rejected it equally. I felt no pain as each wave of contraction came into my body and left. TJ said, “Your body is working well.” Adam said “You know what to do.” I let those words reach deep into my heart and I prayed for peace from my God. I felt utter peace and contentment. This went on for several hours. It was the least dramatic birth anyone in the room had ever been at! It would have made terrible television because there was no drama at all. My OB came in and asked if she could break my water to get things moving along. I said “No thanks. I don’t need it . I am far along already.” She asked if she could check my cervix and I said “No thanks, TJ will let you know when it’s time to catch the baby.” TJ said to Dr. Mudge, “I think she might be close to the pushing phase.” My OB said, “Hmmm, she’s not behaving like women usually do when they are very close to the pushing phase. I’m going to go home and the nurses will call me when she’s closer.” I paid no attention to this decision but it made me wonder why OB’s always thought that they knew something more than birthing mothers about birth.” I said to Adam, “ I know I’m close but I don’t know how close. This is so different than J’s birth.” He smiled at me and said “Yeah, because we know what to expect this time!” TJ said, "You are working really well as a team Adam and Amanda. It's so nice to see."

Quite quickly,I felt bile rise into my throat and I began to shake. I was realizing that my body was giving the signs of moving into the pushing phase. I gave an enormously deep intake of breath and then threw up all the apple juice I had drank in the early stages of labor (during triage when I was on the monitors) and TJ caught it all deftly in the puke bucket she had been hiding behind her back as she watched me fight down the bile in my throat. Adam said, "Hey, none of it landed on the bed TJ--impressive." We all laughed, even me and even though I was starting to shake and feel stronger surges which ended in little digs of pain around my lower back. I was on my hands and knees in the bed at this point and focusing on one singular cord that led to the monitors as I moved rhythmically arching my back, yoga style with each surge and using yoga breathing techniques to guide the oxygen to my muscles which were working really hard to birth my baby.

Then TJ asked me if I wanted any mint gum to refresh my breath after the puking episode. First I said, yes and then I changed my mind, no. I suddenly felt a very strong urge to stand up. I said “Adam I need to stand right now!” He said “Ok, I’ll hold you while we sway/dance near the bed---that worked well earlier.” I nodded and TJ said “Now, this contraction seems stronger but remember your body is showing you the way.” I snapped at her “TJ, this one REALLY hurts.”  I can’t relax. I can’t do this, I said.” She calmly said “You already are doing it. You are doing it.” And I said “Ok, but this is really starting to hurt and then I started to push and TJ said “Are you pushing, Amanda?????” and I said “Yeah. Get the OB before she leaves.” TJ ran into the hall and caught my OB just in time. Adam said, “I’m here, he’s nearly here Amanda—we are near the end!” His voice was excited. I was grunting with the effort to push but I was holding my legs tightly together at the same time as I waited for my OB to come back. Dr. Mudge ran into the room and slid into a kneeling position as she registered the look on my face—I was most definitely pushing a baby out right away. Adam moved aside and Dr. Mudge was kneeling in a gush of waters which had recently broken all over the floor. Dr. Mudge said, “Ok, umm, could you put your right leg up on the bed so I can see if he’s crowning?” I did that and she said “Yeah, wow, he’s already crowning Amanda!” I gave another push, gently this time to avoid any tearing near my perineum and S dropped into Dr. Mudge’s hands. Once his head was out, the rest of him slid right out with no pushing from me---because I was standing up, gravity helped me birth him. Dr. Mudge placed S onto the bed, in between my legs and I looked into the eyes of my second born son. He was here! Adam said “Amanda, he’s amazing. You’re amazing. Look at him!” I smiled and thought how this gentle soul arrived with so little fuss. 

I started to cry with gratitude at this beautiful gift and easy labor. Dr. Mudge looked at me and said “You are really good at giving birth—you should do this again for sure!” TJ said, “Amanda, if you get into bed I can help you get snuggled with your baby while you birth the placenta.” I climbed into bed and the nurse said “I bet you tore a lot because that baby came so fast.” I said “I don’t think so. It feels much better than when I had an episiotomy with my first son’s birth so I bet it’s not a big tear.” She looked at me with doubt but made no reply. I rested in bed marveling at S and wrapped in Adam’s arms as we looked at all the tiny features of our newly born son. TJ asked if we had a name and Adam looked at me and said “After that, Amanda gets to decide the name.” I named him Skyeler. We planned to call him Skye after the island of Skye in Scotland because his blue eyes were the exact shade of that stormy sea. I had spent a lovely day reading myths about kelpies and other Scottish lore on the Isle of Skye when I had studied abroad at Stirling University when I was 19 years old. That day had been as peaceful as S’s birth. It seemed quite fitting.

The nurse started to get impatient that I was not focusing on birthing the placenta. She started to tell me that she was going to give me Pitocin to get the placenta out. I said “No, you’re not. It has not been that long yet and I will push it out.” The nurse said, “But the baby is born, the drugs won’t influence your baby now.” I said “I know you are right and that statement is true but I've had experience with Pit and I don’t need Pit. Just give me a chance.” I looked at Dr. Mudge and I said “Tell, her I can wait a bit.” Dr. Mudge said, “Yes, it’s alright, don't be alarmed. She can choose to avoid Pit without any risk.” The nurse said, “But we always give Pit to get the placenta out fast.” Dr. Mudge said “It’s ok. She can do it on her own.” Then I smiled at Dr. Mudge with gratitude for her opinions—which were evidence based rather than hospital protocol based.

 I handed S over to his daddy and I turned my attention to pushing out the placenta. I pushed once and it slid out. Dr. Mudge watched and directed the nurse on how to care for a woman who never had Pitocin at any stage of labor. This was new to the nurse. Dr. Mudge explained the warning signs of a placenta that looked like a bit of it had stayed inside the woman and then she said that the placenta looked heathy and whole and it seemed funny that this had been such a huge topic of conversation through out my entire pregnancy while it innocently provided for my baby just as my body had intended for it to provide sustenance. She said “I can tell you ate well during pregnancy.” I said  “Thank you.” I said “This placenta looks much nicer than the one with my first born son when I was post-due.” Dr. Mudge said, “Well, you changed my ideas about how women always behave near the pushing phase. That was fun!” I laughed and said “I told you that I was studying HypnoBirthing.” Then TJ said, “Yeah, Hypnobirthing seems like the way to give birth. That was fantastic Amanda!” Adam said “Do you want me to call your mom yet?” I said “Yeah, tell her to bring Jackson in the morning so he can meet his brother.” Then I asked TJ if she would help me get S latched on and she helped me do that. It was not easy but he did latch and he stayed latched for a long time; suckling and snoozing, snoozing and sucking but never opening his mouth to let go. I told TJ she could go and she left soon after the first nursing session. I think she was feeling quite proud that I had the skills to nurse S because of her good prenatal education with me and my interest in learning more than the average person about nursing infants. She took a picture of our newest member of the Horne family in my arms and my husband giving me a huge kiss. I cherish that photo very much and I was glad that TJ had thought of taking it for us. She told me that we would meet for the postnatal soon. I thanked her for her time, continuous support and her guiding voice during my birth. { I am sure she called Laura shortly later to tell her about the “Great HypnoBirth”}  she just attended as a doula but she may have needed to catch up on some sleep first.

 Adam and I were left to snuggle our newborn and the nurse said to me “Your water broke all over the floor. This room is a mess.” I said, “I’m sorry. If you had brought the squat bar in time, that would not have been what happened.” She said “Well no one knew you were anywhere close to giving birth.” Then I said “That’s not true. I knew.” I said this with a light tone of voice, hoping not to offend her while I also wanted to clearly re-stated the truth as it was at my birth. She looked at me and walked out without a word. I think I did offend her because I never saw her again. Shortly after this, my husband helped me into the bathroom to get cleaned up and an old woman came in with a mop. I said to her “Oh, I’m so sorry you have to clean that all up. It’s a mess.” She said in broken English “No. You have baby. It’s just fine. You have baby.” She smiled kindly at Adam and I, then nodded to S, who was asleep in the bassinet near my birthing bed. I looked at her and thought to myself Yes! Why should I feel guilty for making a mess during birth? She was right. I just had a baby—given birth to new life--- and that process is a little messy for every mother. I shook my head at how women in America are treated like they are disgusting and that they should never have body fluids visible without being reprimanded for how nasty and disgusting and unladylike that is--- as if we should rise above being human. I suspect that the cleaning lady was from Mexico based on her language skills. I thought briefly of asking her if she was a mother....I started to go into anthropologist mode and my husband could see the look on my face. He gently said, "Another time, Amanda and my ethnographic interview died in my mind.. He was right, I was bleeding all over the floor on the way to the bathroom. Now was not the time! Adam said “That nurse was a little clueless wasn't she? It was the nurse who should have listened to you, not you who should have stopped having a baby Amanda.” I agreed. What a lovely birth! I felt so free of pain, even after the birth.

My recovery was so smooth and nice. I was walking my dog within two days after giving birth, back to my usual routine, albeit with two beautiful boys instead of only one. Blessing number two had arrived in a gentle fashion.

A Complicated, yet Positive Birth Story

This birth story is going to be unique. Not because I’m personally special (although my belief is that we all are) but simply because I had a very normal pregnancy that ended in a dramatic, unplanned birth in a hospital. I had chosen to birth with midwives at the Tucson Birth Center (this was before El Rio took over the Birth Center) and wanted the midwifery model of care for my birth and pregnancy. I went through Centering childbirth education classes and I was very prepared for natural birth by the time my body started the warm-up contractions, about one month before the birth event. These contractions were confusing to me as a first time mom: When should I go to the birth center? Why did the surges of contractions keep ending just when I started getting excited and anxious that the baby was coming soon? Why did my body keep trying to go into labor and then closing down and stopping the contractions? I wonder all of this as I walked up and down hills in my neighborhood to get things moving (sometimes exercise can kick your body into labor so if you are post-due this is a good way to keep things moving in a good direction). I asked my husband what he thought about the confusing nature of my "braxton hicks" contractions. He said, “Well the midwives say it’s normal and not to worry.” This didn't really stop me from worrying but I was glad that at least one parent was not worried about the birth of our baby.

 I knew it was not normal that I was so scared to give birth—instinctively--- but no one listened to my instincts—not even me. Who was I, a first time mom who had never done this before, after all? I listened to all the better educated midwives (I had been seen by them all by the time I was ready to give birth) who had seen birth more often than I had. I was raised in America. We Americans like to hide birth as if it is dirty and unclean and not for the eyes of young children. I had never seen a birth in America before. I had seen many births in other cultures both in my travels in South America and in the many documentary films that I was drawn to about giving birth in other cultures (this was a research interest as well as a pregnant woman's interest). Having seen so many live births was one reason why I was able to trust the process of birth and my body and it was why I chose midwives over OB’s to care for me when I became pregnant.

My husband had also seen birth in other cultures. We knew that women were designed for it. We trusted my body. What we forgot to factor in was this really important detail: I had a history of being the victim of sexual assault in my past. At the time I did not even know this could be influencing whether I was “allowing” myself to go into labor. However, after much soul searching and healing I can see, five years later, that I mentally prevented myself from going into labor. Every time I started feeling vulnerable and scared about being in a room on ‘display’ with strangers near my private areas---I freaked out and closed down. I disconnected from my body—very unconsciously—I went away, very far away in my mind. Since I had not shared this rape event with my midwives (I did not want that incident to influence how they looked at me—with pity) the midwives did not have all the information to guide me in my lead-up to birth. They assumed that my body was going to go into the real deal when it was ready---but I was never going to be ready—because I had not dealt with my emotional issues surrounding being vulnerable during birth.

My husband did not even know the full extent of what was ‘holding me back’ although he said many times that I just needed to ‘let go’ and ‘give in’ and ‘relax’ once I started feeling the contractions start up. He did not know why I was so tense, being a naturally easy going and confident woman who trusted the process of birth. He was confused, concerned and supportive. He was the one that told me that he would be by my side no matter where we birthed. He told me that we had a good plan but if it needed to be changed, that was just fine with him. He wanted a positive birth experience for us as parents and a healthy baby—that could happen in any form of giving birth as long as we were together during the birth, he reasoned very logically with my irrational fears. He whispered these types of encouraging words when I expressed my fear and uncertainty and he held me close when I had no words and all I did was cry. I wanted a drug free birth—for the baby’s sake—I was going to meet the challenge of birth without medications—at least that was my plan.

So, I tried to release the tensions. I tried to take baths,. I tried to pray to God. I tried to cry out the horrible pain from the rape. I tried all these things in private—in isolating turmoil while I was very angry that once again—this event was able to cast a shadow over my happiness. I was so angry and so scared. That was not a good recipe for going into labor but at the time, I had no idea that this was likely why I did not go into labor at all.

In fact after two weeks of on-again off-again contractions, my body started to give-out on me. I started to have protein in my urine. My placenta began to age and die. My baby needed to be born in a hospital with Pitocin. Fran told me one evening, after our routine check-in, that she was going to schedule a stress test and that I would need to stay overnight at Tucson Medical Center and then we could find out what was the issue causing my body stress. She said, “We need to find out what is going on.”  I had risked out of the birth center once I started needing special attention because of the proteins in my urine (that is a test they can do at the b.c). This was only a week before I actually gave birth. At that point I almost blurted out the truth about the date rape incident. I was so frustrated with myself and the entire situation. I was not going to get to have the Birth Center birth that I had been planning. I was devastated and blamed myself. That’s typical of victims of sexual assault, they take at least part of the blame for what has happened to them and they take all the blame for how they deal with it later in life.

You see, I did not know that the rape was not my fault at all. I did not know that this happened (never going into labor out of extreme fear) to a lot of other women with a history of sexual assault in childhood or teen or adult years. I wish I had met some of those women while I was on my pregnancy journey but since I had decided long ago to hide what happened to me, I never met those strong survivors and I didn’t count myself among anything that was strong.

 I knew that my mind would never betray me but I feared that my body would. I knew that the best laid plans can turn into a nightmare in seconds, with a last minute decision that someone could make for me and my body and without my consent. I knew that something beautiful could turn into something ugly within a few hours. I knew what it felt like to be treated like nothing, to be used and abused-- supposedly for my own good. Worst of all, I knew that anyone touching my vagina was going to trigger flashbacks whether it was with a person I trusted or not. I did not trust anyone to behave as they said that they would. I can see all of this fear and anxiety and irrational thought processes with the clarity of wisdom and age right now, but when I was first pregnant, I was young, idealistic and very recently wounded. I had found love in my husband and healing in his arms in our gentle care for one another physically and emotionally. I thought that this was all I needed to put the rape behind me. I did not know that it was going to shadow my birth plans and take them from me. Although it did take from me my right to a Birth Center birth—it did not take from me my right to refuse pain medications ( ie drugs).

Even though I had to be induced with Pitocin (synthetic oxytocin) by sheer force of will and determination I resolved to stick to one part of my birth plan—my baby would not be drugged with pain meds so that he struggled to nurse or cry at birth. The the extreme pain of Pitocin contractions (much stronger and faster than natural birthing contractions) made that plan very challenging for me. I was among the very few women in the world who get induced with Pitocin and don’t have an epidural adminstered a few hours after the Pit kicks in (although I was very tempted and may have even told Fran that I was needing the drugs at least one time). This was when J was moving down my into my pelvis and the labor back pains were crippling my resolve. Fran said, well you said you didn't want the drugs and I have some ideas to help the pain. I said, "ok, well let's do them then--what should I do." Fran said flip over on your hands and knees and rock over this birth ball (she handed me an oval, not round shaped ball, that fit on the bed) and I began to rock through the pain. It lifted slightly and I had enough relief in that position that the nurse was hard pressed to suggest anything else for quite awhile. I did not care about her stupid monitors not getting a "good enough read" or anything else she said to me. I rocked my baby down with each wave and fought the urge to throw up. Even though one nurse and one other person in my birthing room (who had invited herself to the birth) offered to get someone who could give me those drugs--- temptingly while I was in extreme pain—I never caved in to the temptation. They asked out of care and concern, not out of nastiness. I think they wanted me to get the drugs so that I became managable and stopped behaving so extremely while in labor and also, probably because it made them feel uncomfortable to see me struggle. None of this was done because I could not handle the pain though. I could handle it and I did handle it without the pain drugs even though I wondered myself if it was worth taking this strong natural birthing stance in the moment that a contraction peaked and slammed into me. I have always been able to see the far ranging consequences of my actions and others actions though and so I just focused my attention on getting through the next awful contraction so that my baby would not be drugged. Time seemed to be liminal. I was somewhere else but I did not know where (maybe God was with me and that’s how I got through those painful contractions?) I tend to think this is utter truth myself because that is my worldview.

My baby was very stressed out by the hard contractions though. My baby was very weak from having been inside my body with an aged placenta for at least a week. My baby had low amniotic fluid available to him when the birth began. My baby was so stressed that during the pushing phase, my midwife Fran, called the neonatal team in case the baby needed to be resuscitated at birth. During one of the most intensely painful moments of my life—the room began to spin and I passed out cold. The nurse freaked out—screaming at my mom and my husband to ‘help me breathe’ while Fran calmly looked at her and said “Get the oxygen mask--- it’s over there.” [This is something that I have no personal memory of—I asked Fran what happened later and she told me the specifics]. The nurse put the oxygen mask over my mouth and I could finally fill my lungs with lovely, fresh, clean air. The Pit contractions slammed into my body one wave after another in such quick succession that I could not catch my breath. I was barely remaining conscious and Fran decided that I needed to consider an episiotomy as a viable option for the infant's sake—to get the baby out and assess the risk of the baby being able to breathe too. She knew that if the mama was having a hard time getting oxygen, then the baby was too. Fran decided to try helping me manually first. She reached up into my pelvis and manually and gently helped J get into a better position to move down the birth canal. Then, she allowed me to push two more times with all the strength left in my bones. I pushed with so much strength that I did not even recognize myself and he moved down closer. He was not born yet though and I was exhausted.

I was emotionally and physically in a full fledged panic wondering if the baby would be dead, wondering if my life with this child was going to be stolen from me, wondering awful fears that all mothers have when they feel stressed out and panicked with the pain. Fran could see the fear in my eyes and my husband was holding me in bed giving me encouragement but his hands were shaking—I knew that he was worried about our baby too. My mom was wiping my brow with a cool cloth (she was a doula to me) while the nurse stared at the monitors with intense emotion. My mom looked at me and said “Nearly there, hang on, it’s almost over.” I believed her and I believed that I could do it for a little bit longer.

The nurse asked me if I was a marathon runner—“What?” I said, “No, that’s an idiotic question,” I said. My mom said "No it’s not. You’ve always been an amazing athlete and that is why your blood pressure is low even though you are under extreme stress.” The nurse seemed satisfied that I was just one of those women who was in extremely good physical shape—that is why the monitors where telling her something different than what she had been expecting. I looked at Fran and I pleaded with her as another peak of pain hit me “Just get this baby out of me!!!!!” I screamed. Fran said,” You told me that you did not want to be cut.” I said, “ If the baby is in trouble, I don’t care.”  She said “Okay, let’s give one more push and if he’s not born by then---I will get him out.” I gave another primal push that left me shaking from head to toe. He still had not been born. Fran asked for the scissors and the nurse handed them over with great relief in the features on her face.

 Fran gave me an extensive episiotomy, which allowed J’s head to plop into her hands without me having to push at all. There was a hush in the room and then eight-ten (not sure of the exact number but it was a crowd) medical specialists swooped in closer to my bed to assess if the baby needed help breathing. My first born beautiful boy looked up at me and let out a very angry wail! Everyone was relieved and my husband began to cry with relief. I was crying with relief too. My mom was crying with emotion---I’m not sure exactly what she was thinking but she never doubted that both me and my baby would be just fine. Fran looked at my son and said “Well, you made things interesting, didn’t you little man?” My son nuzzled into my arms and gave me a look which clearly went along the lines of: What in the world just happened to me? I felt exactly the same. We bonded instantly and much too soon the nurses wanted to take him away for APGAR assessments. I never appreciated (until much later) that Fran had handed the baby to me first—instead of what an OB would have done—handed him to the specialists. Fran had ruled that hospital room with calm and experienced midwifery skills. They had all bowed down to her in their own panicky states. Everyone knew who should be and who was in Charge. I have no doubt that if Fran had not been attending my birth that I would have had an unnecessary cesarean because no OB would have weighed what I had wanted and desired as more important than malpractice insurance. Fran is a heroine to me. I told her that shortly after the birth but she was right, when I said those words, to deflect the credit and place it back onto me.

 She said “You are now among the very few women who can claim a natural birth, after pit induction, in a hospital with a midwife attending.” Everyone in the room laughed and the nurse said under her breath “Only birth center women who risk- out and come here do that. Crazy!” Her tone was half exasperated and half in awe. I looked at her and I said “Why were you asking me about marathons—that was a distracting question!?” She said  “Because your blood pressure should have been high but it was low—I’ve never seen that before.” And I said “Well, maybe it was God.” And she said “Yeah, maybe and then walked away.” Then my mom said "Yes, it was and smiled at me." Then Fran told me that the placenta had arrived without my needing to push much (in light of my happiness that the birth was finally over and my baby was safe, I had completed forgotten about the final stage of birth i.e.delivering the placenta!) Fran asked if I wanted to see my placenta. I said “Yes, I want to see if that Pit was necessary---let me see the aged placenta, please.”

So, Fran and the nurse described to me what a placenta that was healthy looked like and then they showed me the areas of my placenta that looked aged. It had white calcifications over half of it and the other half looked healthy-normal. My husband leaned in closer and said “Oh, yeah, that looks different from the ones I’ve seen in Peru” and I said “Yeah, it does and many of those women were malnourished during pregnancy—my placenta looks ugly.” My husband said philosophically, "Not ugly, just done supporting a baby." There was no doubt that my placenta did not look like a healthy placenta though. The Pit Induction had been absolutely necessary and likely I had been induced just in time to avoid a bad outcome with my baby. After looking over my placenta I began to feel the remaining strength leave my power again. The hospital room began to tilt out of focus and my whole body began to shake uncontrollably. I was so cold. I was so tired. I was so happy and invigorated and exhausted and feeling a surge of vitality that was completely new as a feeling. I wanted to nurse my baby so I gathered my breath, did some yoga deep breathing techniques and the room came back into focus. The nurse brought a warmed blanket and put it over me to still the shaking of my limbs. Fran said that she would stay and help me nurse J but then she would need to leave to attend another birth. I looked at her and was amazed that she still had more babies to catch that night. What a job!? I expressed  to Fran (what a cool job, I thought to myself privately).

 The nurses brought J over to me and I pulled down my white birthing gown (I had refused to wear a hospital gown because I hated how they flapped about in the behind area) and I nursed my beautiful, tiny, first born son. The level of love between my husband and I moved into a deeper place as he watched me nurse our son. He looked into my eyes and he said “I always knew you were amazing and now you just proved it to everyone else in this room!” I laughed at him modestly but I also glowed inside with his compliment. I had done it. I had given birth and I had chosen the exact correct model of care for my baby. He needed nothing except me making the final choices after all. What a big responsibility that was! This baby did not even know that he needed his daddy yet. He just wanted to be close to his mother and discover what being ‘on the outside’ was like. I almost pitied him. I felt it would be much harder to nourish and protect him now that he was an individual in the world. But hadn’t I just proved to myself that I was more than capable of mothering this child effectively? I sat back and thought about how I had never once thought of the rape during labor. It had not cast its nasty shadow over this beautiful and sacred event. It had stayed in the corner where I ordered it when we arrived into the delivery room. It never even prowled the edges of my mind because I refused to let it influence the birth of my son. Whoever says that birth is less about a mental state and more about a physical state---does not know one tiny thing about giving birth.

Birth is both a physical and a mental challenge. It is intense. It is painful but not beyond the range of being able to cope with the intense pain. It is a challenge that I met—with a lot of reservations—and conquered. I conquered my fears. I birthed my baby naturally with a midwife. I birthed my baby in the circle of my husband’s arms just as I had wanted to. I birthed my baby with my mom at my side—just as I had asked for her to be with me through it all. I held my head higher after that birth and I began my journey to process and understand why my birth was more complicated than other womens’ births even though physically I was very fit. Mentally I was still ill from the rape. I had not faced and recovered from the rape by the time I had gone into labor with J but giving birth to J (and my induction into the natural birthing community through the Birth Center) meant that I met and became friends with five amazing women from my centering childbirth education class. Those friendships carried me through the first year of parenting. Those ladies’ sense of humor, listening ears, group emails about vomit and breast milk at 4am and resources for dealing with breast lumps and crying jags and our discussions of unconditional parenting meant that I got through the first year of intense care nearly single handedly. My husband worked out of town four days each week leaving me to care for our infant alone and far away from my family members.

That first year was really hard but I can now celebrate the fifth year of being a mother with ease. As J’s fifth birthday approaches ( in a few days we will be having a party for him) all the memories of his birth flood back into my mind. I feel proud of myself and of the family that my husband and I created together (J has a younger brother). Our family is healthy, loving, protected and safe from harm at the moment. We have had many challenges, both big and small but we have weathered them with our faith and our love and our philosophy that unconditional love can heal any hurt. I know this is true. Because although I am still wounded and always will be from the rape event, I have battle scars just like any soldier yet I am mostly healed. I came through the awful events in my life and I've turned them from fear into compassion. God has helped me do that. For me personally ( although others might find other ways towards healing) only God could heal me fully and God is powerful. The God that I believe in does not belong to any religion—he or she or it---belongs to those who express love. My belief is that wherever you find love, there will be God on earth.

Let me relate something interesting about my perspective on the sacred nature of birth: To date I have been in the room at over 20 births. Those experiences have shown me that the room in which an infant arrives is a very sacred place. Birth should be given deep reverence. A mother should always feel safe and a father should always feel included in the process (if he wants to be included). That’s what I’ve learned about birth. I am sharing my story in the hopes that it will help another survivor of rape get closer to understanding how her life experiences may be influencing her ideas about giving birth and that there are many ways to release the fear naturally without dulling the pain physically. I recommend HypnoBirthing as a tactic for anyone who has a strong fear of birth. Release that fear before you start feeling contractions and you will be in a much healthier mental state as you approach the birth event. I also want to pass along some very simple advice:

You are strong, new mother. Do not doubt yourself! Surround yourself with love at birth. Surround yourself with wise and knowing and trusting birth attendants/advocates. You will never regret your birth if you do this, no matter what unexpected physical changes happen during birth, your strength of will and strength of mind will carry you through. You were born to give birth—you are a woman---trust BIRTH. Also, good luck and I hope your first birth is much easier and gentler than mine was. I think it’s highly likely that it will be!

Love, A

Shades of Gray

I've been thinking a lot about how I often exist in the gray areas in the middle of two fiercely opposing views on any given subject. I meet so few people who occupy this place with me that when I find someone who does---I immediately mark them as a kindred spirit--someone else who just 'gets' it. It's strange though, when a childbirth attendant (doula) becomes pregnant. My other two children I was simply a mom trying to learn what my culture never shared with my about pregnancy and birth. When I was pregnant with my first child I worked full time. When I was pregnant with my second child I had already figured out how to adjust my work down to part-time so that I could be home with my elder child and start thinking about getting pregnant with our second child. When I became pregnant with S, I had a two year old (J) to chase after, I worked at PCC as an adjunct faculty  member and I was attempting to complete Doulas of North America Training in my spare time (very little spare time meant that it took me much longer to do the requirements for DONA).

Now, I am a successful business owner of a company who provides both birth doula-ing services and lactaction consultations. Due to both personal choices and professional experiences I have deep roots in the natural birthing community in Tucson but I have had 'non traditional' pregnancies and births due to my placentas acting differently than other women's placentas. I had both of my children in a hospital naturally i.e. pain-medication free. I am among the minority of women who relied on stamina and strong will to get me through a pitocin induction and not ask for an epidural despite the increase in swift and fast contractions that Pitocin brings to a birthing mother. In my second trimester with my second son, I was told by most care providers (nurses and OB's and even at least one midwife) that a cesarean section was inevitable/highly likely because I had been "diagnosed" with placenta previa. I did my research and disagreed with the assessment, fired the people telling me that a c-section was inevitable and hired an OB who was not an idiot--in other words--- she practiced "let's wait and see and not make any rash choices or decisions until we know for SURE." She was amazing. All she did was leave me alone until my doula came to get her to catch the baby. She also supported my choice, when a nurse was giving me a hard time, to avoid pit to get the placenta out after I had already given birth naturally to S. I knew it had not been very long after the birth and I was resting and catching my breath before I decided to 'push' again and birth the placenta and the nurse was just being impatient. My OB knew that the nurse was also imply being impatient when she was pressuring me about getting the Pit (her reasoning was, this is what we always do). My OB, thankfully, backed me up and the nurse was forced to wait for me to birth the placenta when I was 'good and ready' and not when the nure felt like moving on to another patient. Dr. Mudge told the nurse that I could choose to avoid pit with no complications. I wanted Dr. Mudge for this pregnancy/birth too. However, Dr. Mudge moved to Fairbanks, Alaska last summer. While I am happy for her (seems like a great place to live!) I am sad for this void in my life now. I am not usually an indecisive person so it's difficult to make this choice now. It's almost as if I have too much information (is that even possible?) about birth and maternity care in the US and I have examples of differences in care in Peru to draw from as well. I know that a lot of things are done in the US for cultural reasons or hospital policy regulations or malpractice insurance risks rather than educated, well-researched positions of maternal and infant care.

I just am not quite sure what I should do this time. This baby may make some choices no longer an option-- I could just wait and see what the baby decides. However, I like to plan ahead. It makes me feel good to know that those attending me at my birth will be people I've developed a relationship of trust with and in order to have that by the time this baby is ready to arrive, I need to start early in establishing those connections. Here is what I am wondering though: Should I do hospital birth with a 'good' OB and go natural among the beeps and blips and ridiculous pokes and prods from the nurses? Or should I hope to hit the minimal target of being only four days over due and try for a Birth Center Birth yet AGAIN?

I basically begin my pregnancies at the birth center and then at some point, I risk out. I'm told that I don't get to have the midwifery style of care at the birth center because I am "high risk" for whatever reason. At the BC they get funding from the government so even though a woman can be naturally 'post due' with no medical indication of high risk, you don't get to give birth there if you are past the cut off. Nice, eh?
Anyway, everyone makes assumptions about what kind of choices I am going to make based on what they thought that I thought about this or that thing about pregnancy and giving birth. It's strange existing in this gray place with so little company.

It feels a little isolating sometimes and I am quite thankful for my best friend in Tucson, KK, who just simply gets me and gets it and gets is all---even if she doesn't right away, her mind is always turning perspectives over and her very intelligent mind usually comes up with a very interesting perspective---which I usually agree with--but sometimes don't. Those are the really cool conversations that we have; the ones where we sort of disagree but we can see the other person's point of view and then we get to "argue" our points in a respectful manner and both leave feeling satisfied that we both learned something new about the other person. Do you have a friend like this in your life? If so, go give them a hug RIGHT NOW! If not, keep being you and you will bump into one eventually--to your utter surprise and delight!

But back to the metaphor. I live in a gray world. My worldview does not allow for black or white thinking. It's what attracting me to anthropology, it's what made cultural anthropology enormously simple for me and it's why I can take an American culture class with a bunch of other really bright anthropology grad students and ace it (while I still fight for an A in a history or sociology course) because quite simply, I think in relativity very naturally. It's not a huge effort for me to put myself in someone's shoes for a day or an hour or a second and understand why they said, did or chose something. I might not agree with it. I might not like it. I will still respect it.

Here's why---everyone deserves respect in this world when they are born into it. Babies should be respected, mothers should be respected, fathers should be respected. Children should be respected. Adults need to behave in honorable ways in order to continue to earn respect. That's how I view the world. That's why I chose the Waldorf style of education for my children and that's why some of my students leave my classes holding their heads much higher than they did when they plopped down into their seats and glared at me for daring to charge them so much for a textbook (note to students--I don't get to decide that!!).

It's January and I am still fighting to carry this baby around everywhere with me, I am still torn between natural hospital birth (so that I have access to technology if the baby needs it right after birth) and the Birth Center, run by El Rio (which gives me very little time to be post-due before I risk out of those rooms) . Everyone I meet already assumes that I am birthing here---or there---depending on how they know me. It's weird. How to go through all of the vast amounts of information from maternal and infant health that exists in my head, describe my experiences attending births in Peru and my experiences attending birth in the United States, in about five minutes or less? I can't. So, I just try to simplify: "still deciding, I say" OR "we will see what the baby decides" I say. "It's not entirely a choice *I* get to make," I say.....puzzled expressions follow...... I provide the necessary clarification: This baby is my husband's too, you know?

Oh yes, but it's your decision they say and then they think a lot of things that they probably don't say as they stare in amazement at me.....I drop the topic or change the topic.....they've already given themselves away.....they can't see my shades of gray.

How strange is it to be a doula and pregnant? Pretty much like what midwives probably felt the first time they were pregnant themselves rather than caring for pregnant ladies. It's very different. It's very real both bodily and emotionally......it's just plain real. This is my third pregnancy but it's the first I've gone through while many people around my expect---something from me about it---so my choices hold more weight for some reason. It's strange. I guess I could just keep my choices to myself but if any of you know me well who are reading this, you know how unlikely that task is for me! What I am learning is not only is each baby--mother combo unique in each family, but so is each pregnancy in the family/work/extended family dynamic. We don't live in a vaccuum and our babies are certainly are not born into a world that's going to give them a leg -up immediately unless they have mama's and papa's who advocate for that every step of the way from conception, pregnancy, birth and the first year of life. Actually, now that I'm taking along view, advocating for your child never ends. It's a life-long responsibility that we should never turn over to "experts" or "writers of child development theory" or "our school system" or "extended family views on any given subject" because guess what? That's beauty of parenting YOU get to decide how to advocate for your family in the world, YOU get to make tons of choices big and small about the development, nutrition, exercise, enrichment opportunities, literacy of your children. If you want your birth to be natural--educate yourself and do the work during pregnancy to meet the challenge of birth with skills in your toolbox and a doula (or husband or mother or other support person) at your birth. If you want your child to enjoy reading--read them books every night and let them watch you reading/enjoying books in your free time. If you want your child to have a zest for learning and an unquenchable spirit toward education---do your research and find a school that fits your child's personality/temperment--not all education is equal! Waldorf was absolutely the right choice for J, hands down, that child thrives among Waldorf teaching philosophies. I'm not sure about S yet--he's a different kid--but he seems to be responding in different ways to Waldorf teaching in the play group we go to--but also with a lot of enthusiasm and enjoyment for the style of learning that Waldorf embodies. We'll see what happens......I wonder what this baby will be......so many exciting discoveries ahead for our new addition.......

Much love to those who've read and appreciated these words. ~A

GBBFS Sky Bar Doula Club is Moving Date:Time:Locations

So, this group of revolving women that I meet with at Sky Bar are really cool women. I love each of them. We all come from various parts of the city and have found that Sky Bar seems like a good meeting place, or at least a good middle ground, but as this club has evolved, it's starting to draw more from Northwest and West Tucson locations. A few east siders and a few barrio-downtowners make occasional appearance at my weekly doula club. Now, it's time for a change in location and day of the week though. Since I organize it, adjust my work and family life for it and generally go out of my way to make it EVERY week, I decided that it's going to have to be a location closer to my northwest neighborhood to be regularly enjoyable for me. Then, if everyone cancels unexpectedly, I don't make a 20 minute there and back trip to Sky Bar for no reason. I get that all of these lovely women have work, most have children and all are involved in multiple clubs, work groups, classwork etc. Also a few of them just got pregnant, (I am including myself  in that subgroup). So, The Gentle Beginnings Birth and Family Services Club is moving to Friday Night, at Starbucks on Oracle, just north of Rudasille from 7-8pm. For those ladies wanting to stay later, they can walk across the parking lot to the Mexican restaurant for drinks and keep the conversation flowing over wine or beer and food. For those pregnant ladies, yours truly, we can go for a quick discussion and a quick reconnect with our good friends and then head out for any early bedtime. My bedtime has been creeping up to 8pm now that I am constantly tired, constantly hungry, constantly working and constantly caring for a 2 and 4 year old. This mama is gett'n tired ya'll. See you next Friday, at Starbuck's at 7pm (I might be late if husband is not home from work promptly due to surgeries). I hope that as I take a little bit of a step back from this group, someone else will stand up and take charge.......not sure who has it in them.....but a budding leader could be in this group of amazing women!

with love,
A

Bacon Bits

This baby craves meat. I am guessing that I cannot be vegan during this pregnancy because this baby needs protein LARGE quantities. My husband tells me all about this guy Harris, a paleo diet advocator (I think?) and explains that we, as humans, need to eat meat because we are part of a food chain that is more complex than people with tiny brains can comprehend. Apparently, we need to eat animals, according to this guy (and my hubbie) because we can't digest certain enzymes from plants very well---unless the go through an animal's digestion first. I am writing from a very unsure place right now. Don't hold me accountable for mistakes since I have not read the literature myself yet. My husband loves meat. He feels better when he eats it and I don't doubt that his genetic make-up and biology could never be healthy on a vegan diet. My biology is different though. However, I am realizing that as I attempt to be a vegetarian once again (decided against vegan--for a very simple reason--convenience). I don't like a lot of red meat though. I could eat free-range chicken and wild caught salmon as my protien sources and be perfectly content never eating red meat again. Except that about once a year I crave a steak or a hamburger or a fatty piece of bacon. Now that I am pregnant those once a year urges have turned into daily urges. Ugh. This baby is telling me that I cannot be a vegan pregnant mom. Ok, that's fine, I hear you baby. I will wait. I will try again in two years. It's going to be biologically imperative for me to eat meat during pregnancy, I guess. Whatever, it's my body right? Nope. It's ours. That's the truth, isn't it? Yes, it's being shared, so this partnership, as all partnerships need, has to include some compromises. I am willing. I am am able. I guess I'm going to eat bacon. :)

Winter Solstice Promises [To My Youngest Babe]

I think you are a girl. I think you are a boy. I think you are healthy. I know you are already loved unconditionally.I think you will arrive right on time. I will be patient if you don't. I think you will enjoy a birth center birth. I will go to the hospital if that is what you and I need. We are one--right now--mutually dependent. We are the ultimate partnership in closeness. You are in me. I am hungry and tired because of you. I am happy and satisfied imagining you. We are sacred. We are loved. We are blessed. We await you in delight!! Love Mama --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------post-script- your brothers love you already too. You were your daddy's idea first and he is thrilled to know you soon. You will be born into love, peace and a beautiful family.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Still Conflicted But Very Happy About Something Else Entirely

Thanks to all who responded to my question on my Gentle Beginnings Birth and Family Services facebook page. I was terribly impressed with my friends, co-workers and family members' wealth of knowledge on eating vegan, vegetarian, paleo, humanely ominivore, etc. I love my network of opinionated, intelligent people. On GBBFS, I have mothers of multiples, mothers who help other mothers, feminist women who eat consciously, single mothers who rock my world with their super parenting and mutltitasking, male friends who eat consciously, doulas, midwives (no Ob's yet), Jewish and Christian and Aethist and Agnostic and Spirtual and Anthropolosophical friends. With that simple question, [go check out my page for the question and answer responses if you are curious--it's a public page-- if you have a facebook act. all you need to do is type in my biz name and you will find it] I was given a storm of opinions from all my various social networks.

I realized something much more important while reading such diverse answers and opinions. Gentle Beginnings, my business baby, is already achieving one very LARGE goal of mine: Having a diverse following. That is so cool to me--you don't even know how fulfilled that makes me ladies and gentleman! Diversity on our planet (a major reason I would like to eat vegan---the argument for use of land and space to raise animals making less space available for sharing our world---is pretty persuasive). Diversity in human culture is what I teach every day. Unbiased interactions with expectant parents is what I strive for personally. Non-judmental behavior is what I am generally very good at in life, it's what makes me an excellent anthropologist and it's what allows me to have such diverse friendships that enrich my life beyond measure. Thank you all. Have a blessed and beautiful day. I am off to listen to Diane Rhem podcasts while grading the last few finals before my beautiful bouncing, energetic boys awake.
peace and love,
~A