Shades of Gray

I've been thinking a lot about how I often exist in the gray areas in the middle of two fiercely opposing views on any given subject. I meet so few people who occupy this place with me that when I find someone who does---I immediately mark them as a kindred spirit--someone else who just 'gets' it. It's strange though, when a childbirth attendant (doula) becomes pregnant. My other two children I was simply a mom trying to learn what my culture never shared with my about pregnancy and birth. When I was pregnant with my first child I worked full time. When I was pregnant with my second child I had already figured out how to adjust my work down to part-time so that I could be home with my elder child and start thinking about getting pregnant with our second child. When I became pregnant with S, I had a two year old (J) to chase after, I worked at PCC as an adjunct faculty  member and I was attempting to complete Doulas of North America Training in my spare time (very little spare time meant that it took me much longer to do the requirements for DONA).

Now, I am a successful business owner of a company who provides both birth doula-ing services and lactaction consultations. Due to both personal choices and professional experiences I have deep roots in the natural birthing community in Tucson but I have had 'non traditional' pregnancies and births due to my placentas acting differently than other women's placentas. I had both of my children in a hospital naturally i.e. pain-medication free. I am among the minority of women who relied on stamina and strong will to get me through a pitocin induction and not ask for an epidural despite the increase in swift and fast contractions that Pitocin brings to a birthing mother. In my second trimester with my second son, I was told by most care providers (nurses and OB's and even at least one midwife) that a cesarean section was inevitable/highly likely because I had been "diagnosed" with placenta previa. I did my research and disagreed with the assessment, fired the people telling me that a c-section was inevitable and hired an OB who was not an idiot--in other words--- she practiced "let's wait and see and not make any rash choices or decisions until we know for SURE." She was amazing. All she did was leave me alone until my doula came to get her to catch the baby. She also supported my choice, when a nurse was giving me a hard time, to avoid pit to get the placenta out after I had already given birth naturally to S. I knew it had not been very long after the birth and I was resting and catching my breath before I decided to 'push' again and birth the placenta and the nurse was just being impatient. My OB knew that the nurse was also imply being impatient when she was pressuring me about getting the Pit (her reasoning was, this is what we always do). My OB, thankfully, backed me up and the nurse was forced to wait for me to birth the placenta when I was 'good and ready' and not when the nure felt like moving on to another patient. Dr. Mudge told the nurse that I could choose to avoid pit with no complications. I wanted Dr. Mudge for this pregnancy/birth too. However, Dr. Mudge moved to Fairbanks, Alaska last summer. While I am happy for her (seems like a great place to live!) I am sad for this void in my life now. I am not usually an indecisive person so it's difficult to make this choice now. It's almost as if I have too much information (is that even possible?) about birth and maternity care in the US and I have examples of differences in care in Peru to draw from as well. I know that a lot of things are done in the US for cultural reasons or hospital policy regulations or malpractice insurance risks rather than educated, well-researched positions of maternal and infant care.

I just am not quite sure what I should do this time. This baby may make some choices no longer an option-- I could just wait and see what the baby decides. However, I like to plan ahead. It makes me feel good to know that those attending me at my birth will be people I've developed a relationship of trust with and in order to have that by the time this baby is ready to arrive, I need to start early in establishing those connections. Here is what I am wondering though: Should I do hospital birth with a 'good' OB and go natural among the beeps and blips and ridiculous pokes and prods from the nurses? Or should I hope to hit the minimal target of being only four days over due and try for a Birth Center Birth yet AGAIN?

I basically begin my pregnancies at the birth center and then at some point, I risk out. I'm told that I don't get to have the midwifery style of care at the birth center because I am "high risk" for whatever reason. At the BC they get funding from the government so even though a woman can be naturally 'post due' with no medical indication of high risk, you don't get to give birth there if you are past the cut off. Nice, eh?
Anyway, everyone makes assumptions about what kind of choices I am going to make based on what they thought that I thought about this or that thing about pregnancy and giving birth. It's strange existing in this gray place with so little company.

It feels a little isolating sometimes and I am quite thankful for my best friend in Tucson, KK, who just simply gets me and gets it and gets is all---even if she doesn't right away, her mind is always turning perspectives over and her very intelligent mind usually comes up with a very interesting perspective---which I usually agree with--but sometimes don't. Those are the really cool conversations that we have; the ones where we sort of disagree but we can see the other person's point of view and then we get to "argue" our points in a respectful manner and both leave feeling satisfied that we both learned something new about the other person. Do you have a friend like this in your life? If so, go give them a hug RIGHT NOW! If not, keep being you and you will bump into one eventually--to your utter surprise and delight!

But back to the metaphor. I live in a gray world. My worldview does not allow for black or white thinking. It's what attracting me to anthropology, it's what made cultural anthropology enormously simple for me and it's why I can take an American culture class with a bunch of other really bright anthropology grad students and ace it (while I still fight for an A in a history or sociology course) because quite simply, I think in relativity very naturally. It's not a huge effort for me to put myself in someone's shoes for a day or an hour or a second and understand why they said, did or chose something. I might not agree with it. I might not like it. I will still respect it.

Here's why---everyone deserves respect in this world when they are born into it. Babies should be respected, mothers should be respected, fathers should be respected. Children should be respected. Adults need to behave in honorable ways in order to continue to earn respect. That's how I view the world. That's why I chose the Waldorf style of education for my children and that's why some of my students leave my classes holding their heads much higher than they did when they plopped down into their seats and glared at me for daring to charge them so much for a textbook (note to students--I don't get to decide that!!).

It's January and I am still fighting to carry this baby around everywhere with me, I am still torn between natural hospital birth (so that I have access to technology if the baby needs it right after birth) and the Birth Center, run by El Rio (which gives me very little time to be post-due before I risk out of those rooms) . Everyone I meet already assumes that I am birthing here---or there---depending on how they know me. It's weird. How to go through all of the vast amounts of information from maternal and infant health that exists in my head, describe my experiences attending births in Peru and my experiences attending birth in the United States, in about five minutes or less? I can't. So, I just try to simplify: "still deciding, I say" OR "we will see what the baby decides" I say. "It's not entirely a choice *I* get to make," I say.....puzzled expressions follow...... I provide the necessary clarification: This baby is my husband's too, you know?

Oh yes, but it's your decision they say and then they think a lot of things that they probably don't say as they stare in amazement at me.....I drop the topic or change the topic.....they've already given themselves away.....they can't see my shades of gray.

How strange is it to be a doula and pregnant? Pretty much like what midwives probably felt the first time they were pregnant themselves rather than caring for pregnant ladies. It's very different. It's very real both bodily and emotionally......it's just plain real. This is my third pregnancy but it's the first I've gone through while many people around my expect---something from me about it---so my choices hold more weight for some reason. It's strange. I guess I could just keep my choices to myself but if any of you know me well who are reading this, you know how unlikely that task is for me! What I am learning is not only is each baby--mother combo unique in each family, but so is each pregnancy in the family/work/extended family dynamic. We don't live in a vaccuum and our babies are certainly are not born into a world that's going to give them a leg -up immediately unless they have mama's and papa's who advocate for that every step of the way from conception, pregnancy, birth and the first year of life. Actually, now that I'm taking along view, advocating for your child never ends. It's a life-long responsibility that we should never turn over to "experts" or "writers of child development theory" or "our school system" or "extended family views on any given subject" because guess what? That's beauty of parenting YOU get to decide how to advocate for your family in the world, YOU get to make tons of choices big and small about the development, nutrition, exercise, enrichment opportunities, literacy of your children. If you want your birth to be natural--educate yourself and do the work during pregnancy to meet the challenge of birth with skills in your toolbox and a doula (or husband or mother or other support person) at your birth. If you want your child to enjoy reading--read them books every night and let them watch you reading/enjoying books in your free time. If you want your child to have a zest for learning and an unquenchable spirit toward education---do your research and find a school that fits your child's personality/temperment--not all education is equal! Waldorf was absolutely the right choice for J, hands down, that child thrives among Waldorf teaching philosophies. I'm not sure about S yet--he's a different kid--but he seems to be responding in different ways to Waldorf teaching in the play group we go to--but also with a lot of enthusiasm and enjoyment for the style of learning that Waldorf embodies. We'll see what happens......I wonder what this baby will be......so many exciting discoveries ahead for our new addition.......

Much love to those who've read and appreciated these words. ~A